As a business administration student, after I investigate the condition of the market, finding that the music store opened by Michael Williams has some flaws. Below are the main reasons why the music store will be out of business within two months. First of all, such are the CDs in the shopping center, three miles away, that it appeals to people ranging form the young to the old. Furthermore, it is unnecessary that Mr. Williams spent too much fund on buying CDs. Moreover, most of the consumers nearby aged 51-60 are not fond of hip-hop as well as rocking roll. Besides, number of propel who walk past the store are the most when it is on Sunday as well as Saturday; while, Mr. Williams’ shop is open Monday to Friday. No wonder the business is in the red and shut down ultimately. Due to all of these reasons, one must conclude that a successful business requires previous investigation of the market. And, it is also significant to take capital expenditure into account.
題目打錯了 這篇是Discussing cause-2喔 = =
ReplyDelete開頭空兩格!!
after I investigate ~, finding that~some flaws
//after I investigate ~, I find that~some flaws
why the music store will be out of business within two months. 是過去了喔 will 改掉吧
such are the CDs in the shopping center, three miles away, that it appeals to people ranging form the young to the old.這具有些地方不確定呢
還有阿 "逗號後面不能加that,that 前面不能加逗號"!!
Besides, number of propel who walk past the store //// a number of
//open from Monday to Friday.
the business is in the red // is -> was
時態要小心喔 記得一致:D ok喽~
AS A N, S+V..
ReplyDelete放after是錯的喔
why the music store will be out of business
>> why the music store was out of business
such are the CDs in the shopping center
你的that勒!!! xD
, that it appeals to people ranging form the young to the old.
that前面不能放逗號
Mr. Williams spent too much fund on buying CDs
fund是基金的意思ㄛ 所以不適合代表在這種個人經營的錢
propel>>people
walk past 是pass吧@@?
用pass by會更好~
First of all, such are the CDs in the shopping center, three miles away,
ReplyDelete可改為
First of all, unlike the CDs stores in the shopping center which are three miles away,
are not fond of hip-hop
可改成didn't have interest in~
And,可用其他副詞代替~
這樣後面就能加,了=)
怎嚜兩個都是Discussing cause-1 xDDD
ReplyDelete要空兩格唷~ 阿達~~
it is unnecessary that Mr. Williams spent too much fund on buying CDs.
it is necessary !!!!!!! 只是他都買同款(hip-hop和rock)
這篇.. 呵呵- ˋ-!! 連接詞用的不好
整篇文章很沒頭緒的感覺很雜，有沒邏輯的feel唷xD
location是重點唷~~
加油ˋˇˊ 哈哈
第四行 such are the CDs in the shopping center, three miles away, that it appeals to people ranging form the young to the old.
ReplyDelete它給的資料有寫嗎??? 而且that不能放逗號後面
倒數第六行number of propel who walk past the store are the most when it is on Sunday as well as Saturday
是a number of吧 後面改成are almost on weekends比較好
才不會太攏長
題目打錯了:)):)):))
ReplyDeleteafter I investigate the condition of the market, finding that the music store opened by Michael Williams has some flaws.
這句接after整個很不順吶~after位置放錯了
Below are the main reasons why the music store will be out of business within two months.
然後這句不應該是未來式因為那間店早已經倒了:)))):))):)))
這句such are the CDs in the shopping center, three miles away, that it appeals to people ranging form the young to the old錯的很不該錯= =
that前面不能家逗號!!!!ada笨笨的
還有我覺得three miles away,後面這個逗號不加比較順暢
感覺有畫蛇添足的意思
number of -->numbers of
propel-->這是神麼=))=))=))ada這篇文章讓我笑很久
people啦:):):)):)):))):))):)))
while, Mr. Williams’ shop is open Monday to Friday 我建議while後的逗點可以省才不會一直換氣:))
然後open後要+from
o__<
哈哈這篇你一直被砲:))乖 我還是愛你的><
ReplyDeletesuch are the CDs in the shopping center, three miles away, that it appeals to people ranging form the young to the old.
ReplyDelete這句看起來怪怪的唷
so...that句型
it is so unnecessary that Mr. Williams spent too much fund on buying CDs.
rocking roll!!?-->rock
propel --> people
哇~都會有很經典+傻眼的錯誤~好厲害
As a business administration student, after I investigate the condition of the market=>這一句用after文法錯誤~要注意喔~
ReplyDelete~is unnecessary that Mr. Williams spent too much fund on buying CDs.=>~unnecessary for Mr.Williams to spend so much money buying~
Besides, number of propel who walk past the store are the most when it is on Sunday~=>are of great number~
我覺得文章每一個列點的時候要注意喔~
因為感覺有點亂亂的~
雖然說文章的長度還滿ok的~
只是內容最好是能多順幾次在打上來喔~加油=))))